the industry standards of intimacy, wanting someone--well anyone, and the impending destruction of our planet

So recently my friends and I have been discussing being single most probably because I got drunk at a party and had a massive spack about it but whatever let's not get into the details. It's probably premature of us to worry about being lonely and whatnot, but I've come to realise that I am not really sure how intimacy is supposed to work anyhow.

Whenever I watch a movie or anything and a couple are together and they whisper some sweet words into the other one's ear I'm always confused. The only things my mind can imagine the person whispering are like "fill my hole", "suck my wang" or "let's go pancake manor?". With that being said I never really understood how to get someone and I'm just getting frustrated what with the world coming to an end.

Yesterday there was an EPIK DUST STORM, and although it didn't really make me think of planet Earth's impending doom, I am thinking of that now. Sometimes it feels like I'm ... how do I say it--Oh like Zoidberg, from Futurama. Everyone else from his generation were coupling up to reproduce and die, and he is fighting Fry so he doesn't get the chance to find his mate, and ends up the only adult lobster alien thing left.

Okay, so my situation isn't as serious, and there will be other opportunities in my life to have sex with lobsters, but is it my fault for wanting it now?